I secretly suspect this sometimes.
It is part of the litany of self-doubt that is in my head when I am not vigilant about social programming versus my own, better sense of self-worth.
What a conundrum is that, to be told that the better gender is male, and then that I am too much of it. And therefore unappealing.
I like to pass for male.
That’s the thing. But not physically. Physically I’m always a bit startled by my own body, by its being either more muscular than I expect or bigger than I expect, or female, or masculine. My sense of self is so far outside my body sometimes that the person in the mirror is an utter stranger.
But over the years, I have done my best, endeavored to have a kindly relationship with her. With that mirror person.
But I pass for male, except not physically, I have learned to pass for male as much as I can and is appropriate, on the ice. Maybe in the gym, lifting. Maybe other places, maybe every day in every interaction I take on traditionally male roles or qualities, maybe a hundred times a day I speak or talk or act and am recognized as doing traditionally masculine things, in masculine ways.
Does this make me queergendered, or a feminist?
If I could flip my gender back and forth, like some species of frogs, I probably would.
Male is easily half my internal self, after all, and I like to express it.
I have a sense that both everyone and no one is like this.
Or a lot of people are.
They just find ways of being how they are and express it accordingly.
I reserve the right to be a guy today.
Don’t mistake power and strength for masculinity.